The imposter syndrome hit me like a moving truck today. For this zoom rehearsal I was at the beach with my family, at my favorite place with my favorite people. I was talking to my cousin, Claire who is my closest friend and I realised that I have no idea what I am doing. Maybe I should not admit that here. But I feel so out of place. It is my senior project and I have never acted in a straight play on Klein Stage before. Having this conversation an hour prior to our zoom rehearsal was absolutely unhelpful for creating a positive and productive headspace.
I love learning how to act. I do not have to feel like I’m behind for simply existing and learning at my own pace. If I need something more to do I can ask Marc. For now, I can work through my blue book, learn as much as I can about the script, answer my own research questions, take care of my mind and body, and do my best. That is enough. I am enough.
What we actually worked on in today’s rehearsal was reading through the script from alternative characters’ perspectives. I absolutely adore this practice especially when I get to hear how my fellow actors interpret specific moments in the script. Rob and Ben both read as Margot today and they read her so differently than I did at auditions or how I read her in my head. I think that is the most interesting thing in the world. It makes the grooves of my brain feel eased. My choices aren’t wrong, they’re just mine. I don’t think that I was supposed to get an emotional response out of this rehearsal, I think I was merely meant to understand a few more intricacies within the storyline from a perspective that is not my character’s. Maybe this was a selfish outcome. But I think I needed it. Today made me excited rather than nervous to learn all I can about Margot and the scary, sad world she lives in. I want to carry her with so much strength and I can only do that if I feel strong so it’s not optional from here on out.