Final Reflection

Summer prep: Working out, self care, tonsil stones, and healing

This summer, my main goal was to take as good care of myself as I possibly could. I wanted to be strong in my prep work and fill my body up with energy so that I could be as prepared for the task at hand as I possibly could be! 
For me, this meant working out. I did a lot of yoga this summer and I took workout classes with my Mom, lots of HIIT and weight training. I developed a lifting routine that I actually enjoyed and will carry with me in my life after this play. I also tried to find a stretching routine that worked well for my body. I took bits and pieces from my Voice and Body Movement class, my dance classes, tips and tricks from friends who teach yoga, and my own natural movements! Developing a strong warm up routine was one of my primary goals for this show. It is something that I have really felt was lacking in my past work and I do not want that to be the case moving forward! Building a stretching routine this summer helped me to check some of that worry off my bucket list.

I also prioritized the more broad task of taking care of myself this summer. This included taking better care of my skin, my mind, my nails, my hair, my voice, and my body. I made sure I was putting goodness into my body, moving often, relaxing when I needed to relax, and eating good foods. I think when the semester begins, I have a tendency to let some of these things go. I wanted to build a really strong self care routine so that I wouldn’t release those practices once I got busy with rehearsals, work, and my course load!

I was very interested in making this senior project a vocal project. Marc and I had discussed that from the beginning. I think it definitely has been, but over the summer, I had a major setback. I was working really hard on doing my exercises each day and working on my accent. I practiced each day by warming up, humming, +y buzzing, and using tone to carry me through my speech patterns. But I pushed myself too hard. By the end of the summer, I had pushed my body into a state of whack. My hormones got out of balance and led me to develop massive, recurring tonsil stones that I could not get rid of. I fell out of touch with my voice and had to go days without speaking because my throat was so raw. My whole family was worried about me. I am always a chipper person. I sing and play piano so my music is always floating through our house. For a couple weeks I just had to stop. It was kind of scary. I felt so behind in my work, but I had to make sure that it was better by the time we arrived back at school! Eventually, my body calmed down and the stones have not happened since. Getting back to school and diving into the work helped me to relax and honestly I think that’s what made them go away! I

Getting here and getting to work: Learning a rehearsal process

At our first “real” rehearsal in Wonderbread, where we worked through scene one, I remember I cried. I cried because Marc was saying things to Ben and Rob that they immediately understood from working with him before. I was out of the loop on the “Marc vocabulary” and I didn’t want to embarrass myself by asking. I didn’t want to be the only person who didn’t “understand acting”. I had to relinquish those feelings very quickly. Actors have no room or space for imposter syndrome. Actors play pretend for a living. Ask the questions or roll with it. Those are the only two options.

I tried my best from that day on to ask questions if I was confused. It took me some time to grow my confidence. I felt a little behind the other actors for some reason. But I didn’t want to feel that way. Marc chose me for this part for a reason. I didn’t know his process but that’s not a bad thing! Every rehearsal room that I walk into is going to be different. That doesn’t have to scare me. I think something that I regret because I recognized it too late in this process is that I, as an actor, can also be a part of the rehearsal process. It’s my time too. I’m allowed to speak up and say what I think about a scene, beat, or moment. I caught myself too often staying silent or not wanting to get in the way. Be in the way Emmy! Take up as much space as you can! It’s your art too!

The run of the show: Getting better every day!

The part of any process that I enjoy most is always the actual run! It is so freeing after working so hard and thinking every detail out to finally relax and just play and do it onstage in front of people. I think we had a productive and strong run of Dial M For Murder. I was proud of the cast and crew for always showing up and doing our best. I bonded really well with so many folks there and getting into a productive routine was so helpful for me! I felt really proud of how each performance went and I think they got better each night which is always my goal. 

Vocals With Intent

I wanted my growth in this project to be measured in my vocals. I naturally have a very soft voice. It is light and feminine. I speak incredibly quickly and softly and I know that in my everyday life it is near impossible to understand me, let alone when you put me onstage and I get nervous.

I am from northern Virginia. Half of my family is from here and the other half are from West Virginia. The people that raised me have thick southern accents. Some of which are so far into the southern Virginia accent that they are hard for even me to understand. My entire family speaks in a vocal pattern that is incredibly fast, soft, and also in an accent.

I try so hard to hide this accent. Especially since I have been at school here. I don’t mean this word to sound mean, but I don’t want anyone to think I’m a hick, or that I’m stupid, or that I don’t belong here. So I try to hide my family’s accent as much as I can. But I know that the natural patterns of my family’s way of talking still come through in my dialect patterns. I still speak incredibly quickly and with a very light/soft timbre. Both qualities are things that simply do not work for actors. I have to be clear, precise, and understood at all times. That is the baseline. I am perfectly okay admitting that the baseline is really difficult for me! I recognize that about myself.

One of my goals throughout this process was to improve my vocality each and every day. I think overall this goal went well. Growth isn’t linear. My goal was never meant to end anywhere near “perfection,” but rather I aimed each day to do my best to be better understood. I was always aiming for improvement of clarity not perfection.

Matilda was relatively vocally healthy for me, but Nunsense was absolutely terrible for my voice. I cracked all of the time. My voice was overly high and carried little resonance. It was hurting me to sing and talk like Robert Anne. My music director wanted me to belt but I had never done that before. I was pushed to rapidly learn a skill that naturally takes time to learn. Time was not on my side for that project. 
I felt terrible, because I know I sounded bad during that project and that it was difficult to understand me. But it was impossible to address the problem at hand while still being forced to push heavily on my vocals in an unhealthy way. My voice lessons in the semester following Nunsense were spent reteaching me how to sing. I was in so much vocal pain. Singing is the thing in this life that brings me the utmost of joy. It makes me so incredibly happy. Losing the thing that I feel I was made to do was such a scary feeling. I never want to feel like that again. I had lost touch with my voice and body and I never want that. It felt terrible.

By contrast, with Dial M For Murder, I felt I was improving every day. I was tentative to begin because of how the last show had gone for me, but I feel I really made strides towards improving! The final Saturday show is how I want to act in every audition and production I am ever part of from now on. During that performance, I was full of radiant consonant energy. My voice was also vibrant and full of tonality. It felt really freeing and I was proud of myself for working so hard to be specific and intentional about the skills that I had been working towards all summer and fall.

During this process, I also developed a stronger warm up routine that I enjoyed doing each day! It made me happy to feel more prepared and ready prior to the show. During the run, I felt that it was much easier to hear and understand me in compassion to the last two shows that I have been in here at UMW. With all that said, I still think there is farther to go. This will be a continuous project that I think I will be working on for a long time! I want to always strive to create crisper sounds when I am speaking and singing. It is my job as a performer to improve every single time I work, rehearse, or perform. I feel as if I made large strides since the beginning of this process but I cannot wait to see how much better I can become with even more time, effort, and practice. I am excited to continue this journey!

Growth in my warm up routine and acting process!

The most important part of this project, for me, was improving my acting process and warm up routine. I felt so behind at the beginning of this process. I have never been the lead in a straight play before and that really intimidated me, even though I knew that it shouldn’t. I felt behind my fellow actors, as if I had missed something or wasn’t as good as them. Those feelings really held me back because when you think that way about yourself it becomes your reality.

I tried my absolute best to work through those feelings and understand that they really just stemmed from nerves and anxieties that I did not need to be having. It is okay to feel like you’re swimming. This job is really hard. But I am more than capable of doing it! I had to work through those emotions, put myself first, and understand that I wasn’t against anybody else. All I had to focus on was me.

I was proud of myself for building a much stronger warm up routine than what I had done in the past. Before leaving for the theatre I stretched and vocalized in my apartment for about half an hour. I made sure my body felt loose and ready to go. Then, I would leave for the theater and +y buzz in the car. I would arrive at five for a six thirty call. This gave me plenty of time for hair and makeup but more importantly for more humming, +y buzzing, lip trills, sirens, and consonant focused warm ups. I really enjoyed this time at the theater while our crew was setting up. Everyone backstage was always beyond kind to me. They left me alone to work.

Arriving so early gave me the freedom to relax into the routine without having to feel rushed. I always had extra time to stretch, wiggle, and work out anything that didn’t feel quite right. I feel that my warm up routine improved significantly over the course of this project and I think it will continue to improve over time as I learn more about myself! I look forward to that tremendously and I cannot wait to see where this takes me!

Being a part of this show also benefited me in my acting process. I will continue to journal as much as I can when acting in the future. It really helped me to learn about what parts of the acting process work for me and what parts do not. It allowed me to shape an acting practice that is my own instead of just bits and pieces of what “the greats” do. I loved investing time in myself and trying to unpack what I did well and what I needed to examine! I think that journaling is a beautiful skill that I learned and that I need to bring into everything I do from now onwards!

Dial M For Murder taught me that I need to let go of my doubts about myself and my acting. I was bullied in high school. I had a teacher who told me almost every day that I was a bad actress and singer, that I would never succeed and that I shouldn’t pursue this art. I carried that with me for a long time. I know that sense of doubt resurfaces in my art regularly. It seeps through into my practice. Hearing such negative things from someone who was meant to be someone helping me grow was really difficult. It is hard not to internalize something like that when you’re seventeen. It impacted my confidence for a long time. However, this project allowed me to understand that if I set my sights on it, I can be an actress. I am not just a singer. I can do this too. I am not behind. I am simply existing in my own sphere. Everyone behind the table wants to help me. They want me to get better with every show that I act in. It is my job to work hard and try my best. I always do. That is enough. I am allowed to learn and grow at my own pace. This project taught me that I am in control of my fate. If I believe that I can achieve something, then I will. If I do not put faith in myself, I will never succeed. It is my duty to treat myself and my art with kindness and respect. I can do this. Thank you.