I have been struggling in Professional Identity and Practice these first few weeks of class because I think my dreams vary a bit from the dreams of my classmates. It’s a theatre class that specializes in the art of dreaming and creating a life for yourself, and in a room full of nerds who love making art, I thought I would be understood and I have not really been feeling that way.
I have always been a nurturing person. I love taking good care of people and things. It is the number one rule in my life, to care for everything with love and patience and respect. I think that’s why I have been a bit tentative with Margot. I struggled with finding the confidence that I needed to play her. I was putting very high expectations on myself to carry her with grace, so much so that I was holding myself back. I know that it must be frustrating to read some of my journals, because a lot of them simply focus on my confidence and I feel like I should be past that point. But I didn’t know coming into this production how much confidence I would need to play this awesome, devastating woman. She is lacking so much in her confidence and her ability to be who she is and I didn’t realize how opposite I needed to be from that point in order to tell her story realistically.
Today in rehearsal I was watching Rob and Ben act out Act two Scene two and I looked at Noel, our Assistant Director in the middle of it and I was almost crying. They’re talking about Margot in the scene and dragging her name almost. I just care so much. I care about her like she’s real. I don’t even know if that makes sense. When I performed in Good Boys and True, I had the same sentiments. Jimmy, my director for that show, asked me one day why I cried during our rehearsals, during my character, Cheryl’s scenes. I told him, no one is caring for her, and you casted me and trusted me to care for her. How could I not cry? Her life is breaking and no one cares? It’s my job. Jimmy just kind of looked at me and said thank you.
I always thought that feeling that way about my characters, nurturing them and caring for them didn’t really make sense. I don’t want it to be an unhealthy practice. I don’t think I’m the character I’m portraying. I don’t think these terrible things are happening to me or to someone in my real life that I love. The playwright just had the creativity to come up with this person. They are a fully thought out human being and I have a responsibility to care for them with my whole heart.
In professional Identity and Practice, I feel like my dreams are different from my classmates because I want to have a family. That has always been my dream. When I was asked as a little girl what I wanted to be when I grew up, I always said that I wanted to be a mom. Taking care is what I do. In that class, I don’t feel like I can say that, because how can I be an actor, then a librarian, then a mom. That track doesn’t make the most logical sense to most people in that class. But wanting those things doesn’t make me a bad actor. And I realised that today in rehearsal when I spoke to Noel. Being a person who cares “too much” is the thing that makes me love acting. It’s what makes my performances make sense. I care about Margot and want to tell her story with care because that is a superpower in my natural personality and I think it’s why I love the art of acting. I feel a little silly that I didn’t realize that until today. I’m not “acting wrong.” I’m acting in a way that is mine. That’s what I’m supposed to be doing. It’s my art.