I appreciated today’s rehearsal. Hearing the sound design and having the lights fully in the space today was so helpful for me. It is just so interesting to see the world that is in my head start to come to life in such a finite way. It’s really beautiful and makes me quite happy.
Rob and I had a discussion today about “remembering” when you’re onstage. What happened? How did that go? I always speak to this in my acting classes and I always feel quite bad about it. Sometimes I’ll be doing a scene for class or I’ll be on Klein stage and I’ll perform, and I just blackout. And obviously I’m there. I’m hitting my marks, following my actions through, connecting with the people around me. And it’s honestly a little scary. I feel like I’m blacking out drunk and I’ve never experienced that but that’s how I imagine it in my head! It’s quite a strange feeling!
My family and friends will see me after a performance and they always ask how it went for me and I never know what to say to them, because honestly, I don’t remember. Marc has told me in the past that this feeling is a good thing. It’s not something I have to feel bad about. What I perceive as “blacking out” is actually just me really focusing on what’s happening. It’s honing my concentration enough to be in “the zone,” so I do not have to think about what’s happening outside of the world of the play. Then when I step back into the real world it takes a second for my brain to snap back and figure out where I’ve been. He always compares it to an athlete being in “the zone,” in the batters box, or about to shoot the winning shot. It’s a good thing. I’m just still learning to perceive it that way.
Rob and I talked about how interesting that feeling is and how we both perceive it differently. It made me feel validated that I’m not feeling that way all alone up there. Rob mentioned a conversation they had with Doctor Hedges about her acting career. She said that an acting teacher had told her that the less you remember, the better. That made Rob and I laugh backstage today. It really brought some light and joy to how worried I’ve always been about that feeling. It’s okay!