I am worried about my tone and vocality at this stage of the production. Marc emailed me following the performance and was asking about it! I want to be heard and understood by all of our audience members and I know that is not the current reality. It’s just something that I am continuously working towards. I have this idea that my voice has to be perfect, right now, and all the time! However, I know that’s not true. That can be a goal! “I want to reach a point where I am consistently vocally proficient, where I know how to care for myself and use my voice in a way that is always understandable and precise.”
I think I just struggle with this concept because so often the “issue” at hand is the “highness” of my voice, the high pitches that I use to communicate. I understand that those high pitches do make it more challenging to understand female voices, but at the same time, I can’t really change that, nor do I want to. Being a high soprano is what is lovely, unique, and interesting about my voice. It’s what allows me to sing golden age and operatic styles. I love my voice, (singing and speaking) and I’m really tired of talking about my voice in a way that is so negative. I like that it is high, light, pretty, and bird-like. That’s what makes it beautiful and what makes it mine.
At the same time, I completely understand the want and need for me to be understood. I share that want with any professor, director, artist, and teacher who has ever mentioned that to me! I think that consonant energy, slower pacing, and more tonality could be instrumental in my growth in that area. I just feel like we’re going about talking about it in the wrong way. There is nothing wrong with my voice, I just need to learn how to hone it and focus on the details of it in a more specific and goal oriented way.
I think we have an idea that young women who speak like young women are not powerful and cannot possess clarity. Or at least that is how I’ve perceived these conversations throughout my past few years here at UMW theatre. I’m exhausted by that feeling. Yes, I want my voice to grow and change, but realistically, my voice has not even settled. I’m a twenty year old girl, it should not be finished until I am about 26. Yes, my voice is light, airy, and soft. But that same voice that we think is negative in this department wins me scholarships and awards in the music department. I really just feel pulled and I’m tired of thinking the best thing about me, the thing that brings me the utmost of peace and joy, and that started my journey into the acting world in the first place is something that is wrong with me. I’m tired of feeling that way. I think we as a department need to change the way in which we speak to young women. I am consistently interrupted, spoken down to, and told that I am not working hard enough. Ask any professor at this university how hard I work and they will tell you that I am a good student. Ask my bosses at the library how hard I work and they will tell you I am a diligent employee. I am taking as good care of Margot as I know how. And the crucial part is that I am still learning! This is the first straight play I have ever been cast in on Klein Stage! I have never been the lead in a straight play before, in my entire life! I am learning how to do this. And I don’t want to feel bad for growing at my own pace. I feel I have improved significantly in my vocals since the start of this project! I have not been in any pain, as I was for Nunsense, when I was being overly forceful on my voice. I am taking good care of myself, crafting a diligent warm up routine, focusing my energies better when I’m acting, and making strides towards being a better person and actress! I think this has been a very successful senior project. I am tired of feeling bad about myself. I don’t think that promotes growth.